My Story...Part One

My name is Shanda. I'm a single mom who loves Jesus. Facebook addict. Blogger extraordinaire. Wannabe writer. Lover of the misfit. (I am one.) Passionate advocate for those who are "least of these". Those who are on the fringe. Those who are disadvantaged. But I've not always been this way.

In fact, when the opportunity arose to share my story, my first thought was, “Heck NO!”. Staying invisible, now that's been more my style. My chief goal in life has been to fade into the crowd and go unnoticed. But it seems God might have different plans. He's chosen to use me and the events of my life to make Himself, His power, and His greatness known.

In Daniel 4:2, Nebuchadnezzar says “It is my pleasure to tell you about the miraculous signs and wonders that the Most High God has performed for me.” Today I take pleasure in telling others about the wonders God has done in my own life. I have done nothing good apart from Christ in me. In fact, a huge part of my recovery has been to expose my foolishness and failure, compulsions and addictions, so that God’s greatness and power can be made known.

From the age of two weeks old and on, I have been in church every time the doors were open. Just recently, I found out that my mother's water broke right on the piano bench in the middle of "I'll Fly Away". I knew how to make an entrance, for sure. Even through the divorce of my parents and their subsequent remarriages (to other people), I went to church and immersed myself in a "happy" little Christian bubble. At the age of twelve, I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior, and I was eternally saved from hell. There was no huge dramatic change in my life. I had always been the “good girl” of the family.

From as early on as I can remember, I believed that if I did the right thing, agreed with everyone, and followed the rules, I would be accepted and loved by others. Therefore, I always did what I was told and followed all the rules. I was that girl the teacher would put in charge of the class whenever she left the room. Oh, I hated it. Everyone hated me. I never did drugs or drank. I never went to parties. I never even dated until I was in college.

I am a recovering codependent which is just a fancy way of saying I'm a people pleaser. It was working for me until I realized I had a problem. All the people I wanted to please all required different things to be pleased. I learned to keep my bag packed full of masks, so that I could be all things to all people.

Even as my older stepbrother began manipulating me to do things that I knew were wrong, I felt that there was nothing I could do about it. Completely powerless. I worried about his feelings more than my own. I was so desperate to have someone care about and want me, to feel desired, accepted and loved.

I have lived so much of my life under the assumption that I must please God and others in order to be loved. And let me tell you, it's a miserable way to live. In spite of or maybe because of all this, I threw myself into ministry at an early age, and started teaching sunday school and vbs at the age of 14. I was involved in everything my little church had to offer. After graduation, I spent a summer working in a mission church and from there went on to the christian college my church supported. I was the church's "golden girl".

Click here for Part Two.